Shame: That Not-So-Silent Culture Killer

That Sinking Feeling…

Picture this: You're sitting in the conference room at your office with your team, your boss, and, oh joy!, your boss's boss. Your palms are sweaty as you glance at the agenda, knowing item #3 is "Henderson Project Budget Review." Last week, you made a calculation error that cost the project a few hundred dollars. Not career-ending, but definitely not your finest moment. You let your boss know right away and have dealt with this one-on-one, but your hands are sweating because, well, you’ve seen what happens before.

Your boss pipes up when the group arrives at that agenda item. "Speaking of wasting company money," they announce, looking directly at you, "someone decided basic math wasn't important on the Henderson project." You feel your mouth go dry. They continue with a sarcastic play-by-play of your mistake and what it cost the company while everyone watches, some with pity, others with a smirk of “I’m glad it’s your turn.” You stare intensely at your notebook, wishing you could dissolve into the carpet until it is over.

Can you feel that sensation crawling up your neck? The burning in your cheeks? The clenching in your stomach? Maybe the desperate desire to disappear?

That's shame. And humans do all we can to avoid it. It is one of the most powerful and destructive emotions we experience. And as leaders, we have the uncanny ability to trigger this feeling in our team members with alarming ease.

When Leaders Weaponize Shame

As leaders, we hold tremendous power over our team's emotional landscape. When we publicly call out mistakes, use sarcasm as a weapon, or make examples of people, we're not "teaching valuable lessons" or "holding people accountable." We're purposefully activating feelings of shame as a power move, whether intentional or not.

The leadership AND psychological research is crystal clear: shame doesn't improve performance. Quite the opposite.

When we shame our team members, we:

Destroy psychological safety (the foundation of innovation and creativity)
Damage their mental health and well-being
Tank productivity as people focus on avoiding humiliation rather than doing great work
Drive away top talent (91% of employees cite poor communication, including public criticism, as what makes leaders ineffective)
Make ourselves look like a-holes (that’s not listed in the literature, but we all know it’s true.)

Shame vs. Guilt: A Critical Distinction 🔍

Understanding the difference between shame and guilt is important when you are dealing with employees who make mistakes.

Guilt is: "I made a mistake." (Action-focused) Shame is: "I am a mistake." (Identity-focused)

Guilt can actually be productive. It focuses on behavior that can be changed or avoided in the future. Shame attacks a person's core sense of self and worth. When team members feel shame, they don't think, "I'll improve next time!" They think, "I'm not good enough to be here."

Brené Brown calls shame a "soul-eating emotion" for good reason. It doesn't drive improvement, it drives disconnection, disengagement, and despair.

Our Goal: Accountability Without Shame 🔑

Great news! We can maintain high standards AND create a shame-free environment.

Here's how:

Keep your feedback private. Address mistakes one-on-one, not in front of an audience. The conversation is the same, but the impact is entirely different. You’ve heard the saying, “praise in public, correct in private”, right? Shame is why this is important.
Focus on actions, not identity. "This report needs more data," rather than "You're always sloppy with your research."
Connect to learning, not failure. "What can we learn from this?" creates forward momentum while "How dare you mess this up!" creates paralysis.
Model healthy mistake-handling. Share your own learning moments openly. Teams follow your lead on how mistakes should be treated.
Distinguish between types of failure. Was it a preventable error, a complex system failure, or an innovative experiment that didn't work out? Each deserves a different response.

Many leaders struggle with these approaches because they've never been shown how to provide accountability without shame. This is where leadership coaching becomes invaluable. A skilled coach can help you recognize when you're slipping into shame-inducing behaviors and practice healthier alternatives until they become second nature.

In the Leadership Locksmith System, we go deep into dealing with failure, where you'll learn to differentiate between types of failures and develop specific, actionable responses for each. The system walks you through exactly how to transform failure from a source of shame to a powerful catalyst for growth and innovation.

Your Leadership Challenge 🔐

I challenge you to catch yourself when you're about to trigger shame in someone else. Ask yourself:

Am I about to make this person feel like their mistake defines them?
Is there a way to address this that focuses on behavior, not character?
Would I want to be addressed this way if our roles were reversed?

Remember, the best leaders aren't the ones who never make mistakes, they're the ones who create environments where mistakes become stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.

Until next week, keep unlocking your leadership potential! 🔑